S14 Round 2 - Bandits Back Sorry For Last Week

[PW!]

Super 14 Round 2 – let the road trips begin

WARNING: The following email is about as funny as a Royal Marine’s home video, as accurate as Dick Cheney’s quail hunt, and as compelling as being caught with a kilo of heroin strapped to your leg leaving Bali.

Highlanders v Blues (Highlanders)

Both of these teams had excellent first halves last week before being blown away by more skilled and fitter opponents.

The Highlanders were unlucky not to be awarded a penalty try as Leon ‘not the head…no no please don’t touch head’ McDonald gave away a yellow card right on the line – momentum could very easily have swung the Highlanders way had it been awarded. The highlanders lacked composure in try scoring positions and failed to capitalise on great midfield running by reserve?? This week against an equally skilled backline they must take these opportunities.

The real battle will be in the front row with six ABs packing down against each other. The battle between hookers Anton Oliver and Kevin Mealamu should be punishing as a Royal Marine at an Iraqi street protest – at least they’ll know who filmed this battle. The Blues had an atrocious second half last week and lacked composure. Even without King Carlos the team still appears directionless and with none of the genius to make up for it. At home expect the Highlanders to win.

Cats v Chiefs (Chiefs – tough call)

Last week these two sides showed more rust than the former Soviet fleet in Vladivostok. The Cats played well in patches against the Stormers but their execution was lacking – something the Bali 9 could hope for. They will have the home ground advantage and a bigger pack and should improve on last week’s performance; however they never really threatened the line and lacked attacking options.

The Chiefs loss to the Sharks was an exciting encounter however key players filed to perform. They have benefited well from the draft but a lack of preparation seemed to bring them undone. Byron ‘my girlfriends a porn star and here you were thinking I was gay’ Kelleher has been rested after an abysmal performance at the scrum base. Look for the Chiefs hard me to exploit the Cats inside backs where they are defensively inept. The class of Muliaina should bring them home.

Bulls v Brumbies (Bulls)

The Bulls had a barnstorming match against their high veldt opponents the Cheetahs last week – and got home on heels of Flyin’ Bryan Habana. The win would have been bigger if Derek Hougaard could kick a goal, but his tactical kicking couldn’t be faulted, something the Brumbies must master if they are to have a chance. The team is well balanced and even the darkies are performing well. The Bulls forwards must dominate if they are to maintain their winning ways.

The inside story is that the Brumbies almost forfeited last week’s match after a stomach virus ripped through the squad and out their arseholes – its amazing what a cork can do. Their win over the Force was hardly impressive except for the fact that they won. Their defence was poor and Stephen ‘my elbows bend which way?’ Larkham was a shadow of his former self. Grogan played well in parts while Ju ju ju Jug Head Mortlock was bruising at outside. If the Brumbies can match the Bulls in the early part of the match and their nimble runners remain alive expect the likes of Matt Giteau to run rampant in the latter stages. This will be a big match for Jone Tawake up against the Boks incumbent Jaques Cronje.

Hurricanes v Force (Canes)

Perhaps the most impressive of last weeks teams the Canes had a superb second half against the Blues in appalling conditions. Umaga’s retirement from international football seems to have improved his Super Rugby form which at times has been patchy; his absence due to a calf injury will be missed this week. In his place is perhaps the most damaging runner in world rugby Ma’a Nonu – I’d call him a girl for wearing mascara but he’ll eat me. Despite an inadequate pack the Canes had composure and structure – everything looks good this year for them to make the finals.

The Force was anything but last week in front of a fantastic crowd last week. Between themselves and the Brumbies they missed nigh on 100 tackles. Playing against the likes of Jerry ‘top deck Collins, Rodney So’ioalo and Nonu – any missed tackle will cost them the game. While the loss of Tahs recruit Lachlan ‘injury prone’ Mckay for the season is disheartening, a more balanced and defensively minded midfield may result. For the Force to have any chance they must kick well and use their set piece to their advantage.

This should be a good match up between Piri ‘Bird of Paradise’ Weepu (piriweepu, piri weepu arrgh arrgh) and Matt ‘funky hair poor pass’ Cocksmack – perhaps a precursor to the 2007 RWC final (hardly)

Reds v Crusaders (Crusaders)

The Reds have already played their grand final. They played well…and lost. Expect plenty more loosing this week. Against their old southern foes the Reds lift higher than Paris Hilton’s skirt, their rugby was about as attractive. With more bad haircuts than an 80’s porno the Reds played with passion and little else. There were many excuses made last week, cramp, injuries, young team, poor coach, no Del – but this week there will be none. The Crusaders should eat Queensland and there won’t be much they can do about it – except perhaps complain.

The Crusaders last week were patchy – but they did show enough class to make me think they’ll finish on top of the table. Where they did excel was the breakdown and it appears the area of rucking, counter rucking and counter counter rucking will be of paramount importance in this year’s competition. Dan Carter again proved why he is the world’s best fly half while Mose Tuiali’i has got rid of the bad haircut and bulked up to prove a truly damaging runner. Even in the northern heat expect the Crusaders to turn it on.

Sharks v Cheetahs (Sharks)

That most pressing of questions: “If the earth was inhabited purely by sharks and lions, who would win if they fought a war?” may well be answered this week – albeit with the more agile and dainty cheetah taking the lions place. If this battle were to take place in a fair arena it would have to be best out of three with a war on land, in the sea and the great leveller – space. Given that water is more three dimensional than land the sharks should dominate space and therefore win the best of three fights.

Of what relevance is this to rugby – well none but the Sharks still should win. They got home against the Cats last week with a fantastic display by old hands Percy and AJ.

The Cheetahs the other new franchise played well last week. Their pack was strong but overall they lacked fitness. This game – unusually for all Saffa affairs will be decided by the backs and if overseas recruit and former AB Keith Lowen may well prove the Cheetahs secret weapon.

Stormers v Tahs (Stomers)

The Stormers won against the Cats last week despite playing with 14 men after De Wet ‘here I was thinking there was water restrictions’ Barry was sinbinned again. In a recent players poll as the dirtiest player in the world (guess they didn’t survey the Afrikaans players wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more!) ‘The Wet’ Barry made it to number one! He’s about as popular with Australian teams as Mutiah Murilitherin is with the Aussie cricket fans. The team is nothing special especially without some of their Greta names like Corne Krige and Breyton Pulse but at home they play well. They should win because the Tahs should loose.

Last week NSW were lucky to escape with a win from Suncorp Stadium. Big Del was about as popular as Dick Cheney at a hunting ranch – but didn’t he love it. The Tahs lacked penetration without Matt Rogers, and with no genuine fly half in the side they will struggle until Rogers returns. The pack played well but was dominated by the Reds at the breakdown – that rugby writing genius Greg Growden would have you believe otherwise. The Tahs failed to use Big Del and Lote well, their runs while at times damaging failed to produce points. They should use the Big men like lights – attracting defenders like moths before they offload to a free runner…it’s a pity neither of them can pass. This week the backs look more balanced with the two former Broncos team mates playing on the wing – what is worrying however the defensive weakness that this creates. Expect Barry and De Villiers to attack the midfield.

[clutch]

Super 14 Round 2 – let the road trips begin

WARNING: The following email is about as funny as a Royal Marine’s home video, as accurate as Dick Cheney’s quail hunt, and as compelling as being caught with a kilo of heroin strapped to your leg leaving Bali.

Highlanders v Blues (Highlanders)

The Highlanders were unlucky not to be awarded a penalty try as Leon ‘not the head…no no please don’t touch head’ McDonald gave away a yellow card right on the line

The battle between hookers Anton Oliver and Kevin Mealamu should be punishing as a Royal Marine at an Iraqi street protest – at least they’ll know who filmed this battle.

Cats v Chiefs (Chiefs – tough call)

Last week these two sides showed more rust than the former Soviet fleet in Vladivostok. The Cats played well in patches against the Stormers but their execution was lacking – something the Bali 9 could hope for.

Byron ‘my girlfriends a porn star and here you were thinking I was gay’ Kelleher has been rested after an abysmal performance at the scrum base.

Bulls v Brumbies (Bulls)

The inside story is that the Brumbies almost forfeited last week’s match after a stomach virus ripped through the squad and out their arseholes – its amazing what a cork can do. Their win over the Force was hardly impressive except for the fact that they won. Their defence was poor and Stephen ‘my elbows bend which way?’ Larkham was a shadow of his former self.

Hurricanes v Force (Canes)

In his place is perhaps the most damaging runner in world rugby Ma’a Nonu – I’d call him a girl for wearing mascara but he’ll eat me.

Reds v Crusaders (Crusaders)

. Against their old southern foes the Reds lift higher than Paris Hilton’s skirt, their rugby was about as attractive. With more bad haircuts than an 80’s porno the Reds played with passion and little else. The Crusaders should eat Queensland and there won’t be much they can do about it – except perhaps complain.

Stormers v Tahs (Stomers)

They should win because the Tahs should loose.

They should use the Big men like lights – attracting defenders like moths before they offload to a free runner…it’s a pity neither of them can pass.

Thats some funny sh#t there P dub

I heard that Nucifora told the Blues they better pull their finger out this week

Hurricanes lucky with some Ref calls last week........about time things went there way

Sione Lauaki got diversion from the courts after his guilty verdict in court after the assault charge so better stay off the Piss However the Chiefs are my fave team at the Mo

Its still early ......expect a couple of crazy weeks

[mark_s]

The Bandit!!

A great read as usual, please keep them coming for another 12 or so weeks please!

Go the tahs - I will be happy if we come back from SA with more than 2 points.

Edited February 17, 2006 by mark_s

[Spanker]

PW you funny bastard.

having somehow tipped 7/7 last weekend I will throw in my 2 cents.

Auckland over Otago please. Blues were unmotivated but have too much talent for Highlanders.

Waratahs - they have excelled in their last two tours of SA losing only 1 of 5 I think. Sharks will lach confidence and tried combinations.

Can't wait to see the bill the Crusaders rack up against the reds. I hope the board of the QRU gets sacked wholesale and Eddie Jones can rebuild that poor abused state of affrais.

Cheers

Spanker