Fab1

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27 minutes ago, Trailcraft43 said:

Wow wat a bloody bargain, ?

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Good one.?

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A man had great tickets for the State of Origin Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty".

This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the State of Origin, the biggest sporting event in Australia, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first State of Origin we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

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21 hours ago, rickmarlin62 said:

im not goin there for that special..i can only drink one beer at a time ...lol...rick

I can Rick,

usually when I open the first and forget where I put it!

then open another and  then find the first, hahaha

marty

Edited by Trailcraft43

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On 9/29/2017 at 8:17 AM, Fab1 said:

All very good guys.

A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Twenty first Birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark shades. 

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? 

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." 

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. 

He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod, fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $199.00

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" 

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. 

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not know that she was the only person around. 

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please." 

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?" 

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $20.50 shocked.gif
 

LMAO love it

 

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On 9/24/2017 at 2:01 PM, Fab1 said:

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping 
for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his 
potential quarry. 

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He 
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for 
his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally 
found his own vehicle. 

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. 
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He 
started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, 
when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started 
to drive away. 

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled 
the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his 
great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. 

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" 
exclaimed the patrolman. 

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!" 

very good fab

Edited by COASTIE 01

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At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? Only one kiss per yard replied the male clerk with a smirk. that’s fine said the girl. I’ll take ten yards. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, Grandpa will pay the bill.

Edited by COASTIE 01

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DUMB BLONDE JOKE...

A blonde lady goes into the hairdressers. "Can you just give me a trim please?"

Hairdresser says "would you like to take your headphones off?"

Blonde says "no just cut around them".

The hairdresser shrugs her shoulders and reluctantly cuts the blonde's hair.

A month later the blonde comes back . Same thing "no just cut round the headphones!"

Another month passes by and the blonde comes in again. She sits in the chair.

 Hairdresser says "would you like to take the headphones off ?"

Blonde says " NO JUST CUT AROUND THEM!"

The hairdresser starts cutting the hair but is cheesed off at the attitude of this lady, so she decides to remove the headphones anyway. Next thing the blonde clutches at her throat, makes some serious gurgling noises and dies in the chair.

The hairdresser is horrified at this unexpected reaction and out of curiosity picks up the headphones, holds them to her ear and hears "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out".                                     BN

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3 hours ago, Regan said:

hahaha poor old man  :D

Good one.

2 hours ago, COASTIE 01 said:

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? Only one kiss per yard replied the male clerk with a smirk. that’s fine said the girl. I’ll take ten yards. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, Grandpa will pay the bill.

The girl should of asked for 50meters.

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An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would
somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to
his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a
ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
he voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.
John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I
have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a
while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much

all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next
day it starts all over again."
"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"
"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo.

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On 24/09/2017 at 12:01 PM, rickmarlin62 said:

haha that dumb moments funny..........referring to the length of their ??????????????

End of the joke is, bottom is muddy.

 

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A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings 

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --. 
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. 
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. 
You have your old work clothes on. 
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from 
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes. 

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you 
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job. 

Depending on your age you might do the following: 

In your 20's: 
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. 
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. 
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register. 

In your 30's: 
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. 
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. 
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. 
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. 

In your 40's: 
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. 
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. 
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings 
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. 
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy. 

In your 50's: 
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. 
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. 
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. 
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. 
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast Bait & Beer  Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.' 

In your 60's: 
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. 
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. 
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. 
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure. 

In your 70's: 
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too. 
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. 
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch. 

In your 80's: 
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. 
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. 
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. 
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. 

In your 90's & beyond: 
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden? 
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? 
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted? 
  • Haha 3

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Mean Nurses

AM
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," said Fred, a big man almost 60 years old, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.
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Typical Woman

A man, reaching the age of 65 plus a few months, went to apply for the pension. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but seemed to have left his wallet at home, and that he would have to go home and come back later."

The woman said to him, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and processed the pension forms.

When he got home, he couldn't wait to tell his wife about the experience at the pension office. She said: "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."

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how can you tell the difference between snowmen and snow women?

 

snow balls

 

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful and very young woman at his side;
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $36,000 ring and showed it to him -
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something VERY special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 
"Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000 ," the jeweler said. 
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.......
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!" 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque - 
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good -so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very perplexed and disappointed jeweler phoned the old man; "There's no money in that account sir?." 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!?"

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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I ll give you a hundred dollars.”

The fisherman dove into the water…

In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?”

The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”

  • Haha 2

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do... why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"


The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water.


The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better". Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.


A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'".

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