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Guy walks into a bar to use the free wifi.

He says to the bar tender, Whats the wifi password?

Bartender says, Youll have to buy a drink first.

Guy says ok ill have a coke, whats the password?

Bartender says youll have to buy a drink first, all one word all lower case.

  • Haha 2

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A stockman named Bruce was overseeing his herd on the stock route in Western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bruce looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bruce. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bruce says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Senator from Canberra", says Bruce.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

  • Haha 6

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Paddy McCoy was an elderly Irish farmer. He received a letter from the Department of Employment stating that there had been a complaint received by the Department to the effect that Paddy had not been paying his staff the minimum basic wage and an inspector would be sent out to interview the effected employees.
The inspector arrived in due course and said to Paddy "Tell me about your staff and the pay and conditions they receive from you."
Paddy said " Well, there's the farm hand. He is paid 250 pounds per week and gets free rent of a cottage for his family to live in here on the farm . Then there's the house keeper. She gets 190 pounds per week and free board and lodging in our house. Then there's the half wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work around here and he earns about 25 pounds per weeks, plus a bottle of whiskey and , as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife ."
The inspector was aghast and said "That's disgraceful . I want to interview the half wit." 
Paddy said "Well now, that'll be me."

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The old local  fisho was out in his boat all day and had never got a bite. Up comes this 40ft cruiser and 8 people drop their lines in. Suddenly there were 8 fish hooked. This went on over and over again with fish coming in everywhere. The old fisho up anchored and headed back to the ramp, followed by the big boat. One of the guys asked the old fisho if he had caught anything to which he sadly shook his head. He then asked what they were using for bait. Licorice was the reply. He looked puzzled and asked what they catch on licorice. Allsorts  was the reply

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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

 

He was just going through a stage.

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A plane crashes into the ocean miles from anywhere and there are only a few survivors, who huddle together in the water holding onto a tiny piece of wreckage. Two white pointers- father and son- spot the crash scene and cruise over towards the survivors who are struggling to stay together and afloat. Son shark(SS) says to Father shark(FS) "Look at all the people over there, lets race over and eat 'em!"  FS "Hang on son, we've got to do this the right way, first we swim over and circle them with just an inch of our dorsal fin out of the water"- they swim a couple of laps round the survivors. SS "Ok can we eat them now?" FS "Not yet, next we swim a few laps around them with all our dorsal fin out of the water" they swim a few laps. SS "Ok now can we get 'em?" FS "Not yet, next we swim a couple of laps with all our dorsal fin out and we open our mouths so they can see our teeth" they swim the laps baring their big teeth. SS "Ok, now eat 'em?" FS "Not yet! One last thing- this time we do the laps with dorsal fin out and mouths open and as we swim around we do some big practice bites in the water"- they do the laps, fins and teeth out, taking big practice bites around the terrified survivors. SS "Now can we eat 'em?" FS "Yes now son" - they race in and massacre the survivors and after finishing the last one SS "They were tasty dad- but I don't understand why we did all the circling and stuff first?" -FS "Well son, they're a bit like prawns, they taste heaps better when you get all that crap out of 'em first!"

  • Haha 5

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