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Fab1

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3 hours ago, Regan said:

hahaha poor old man  :D

Good one.

2 hours ago, COASTIE 01 said:

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? Only one kiss per yard replied the male clerk with a smirk. that’s fine said the girl. I’ll take ten yards. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, Grandpa will pay the bill.

The girl should of asked for 50meters.

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An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would
somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to
his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a
ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
he voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.
John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I
have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a
while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much

all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next
day it starts all over again."
"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"
"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo.

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  • 2 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...
 
A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings 

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --. 
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. 
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. 
You have your old work clothes on. 
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from 
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes. 

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you 
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job. 

Depending on your age you might do the following: 

In your 20's: 
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. 
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. 
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register. 

In your 30's: 
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. 
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. 
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. 
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. 

In your 40's: 
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. 
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. 
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings 
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. 
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy. 

In your 50's: 
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. 
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. 
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. 
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. 
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast Bait & Beer  Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.' 

In your 60's: 
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. 
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. 
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. 
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure. 

In your 70's: 
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too. 
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. 
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch. 

In your 80's: 
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. 
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. 
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. 
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. 

In your 90's & beyond: 
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden? 
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? 
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted? 
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Mean Nurses

AM
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," said Fred, a big man almost 60 years old, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.
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Typical Woman

A man, reaching the age of 65 plus a few months, went to apply for the pension. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but seemed to have left his wallet at home, and that he would have to go home and come back later."

The woman said to him, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and processed the pension forms.

When he got home, he couldn't wait to tell his wife about the experience at the pension office. She said: "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful and very young woman at his side;
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $36,000 ring and showed it to him -
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something VERY special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 
"Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000 ," the jeweler said. 
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.......
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!" 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque - 
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good -so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very perplexed and disappointed jeweler phoned the old man; "There's no money in that account sir?." 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!?"

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  • 4 weeks later...

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I ll give you a hundred dollars.”

The fisherman dove into the water…

In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?”

The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”

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  • 2 weeks later...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do... why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"


The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water.


The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better". Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.


A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'".

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  • 2 months later...

Guy walks into a bar to use the free wifi.

He says to the bar tender, Whats the wifi password?

Bartender says, Youll have to buy a drink first.

Guy says ok ill have a coke, whats the password?

Bartender says youll have to buy a drink first, all one word all lower case.

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A stockman named Bruce was overseeing his herd on the stock route in Western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bruce looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bruce. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bruce says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Senator from Canberra", says Bruce.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

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Paddy McCoy was an elderly Irish farmer. He received a letter from the Department of Employment stating that there had been a complaint received by the Department to the effect that Paddy had not been paying his staff the minimum basic wage and an inspector would be sent out to interview the effected employees.
The inspector arrived in due course and said to Paddy "Tell me about your staff and the pay and conditions they receive from you."
Paddy said " Well, there's the farm hand. He is paid 250 pounds per week and gets free rent of a cottage for his family to live in here on the farm . Then there's the house keeper. She gets 190 pounds per week and free board and lodging in our house. Then there's the half wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work around here and he earns about 25 pounds per weeks, plus a bottle of whiskey and , as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife ."
The inspector was aghast and said "That's disgraceful . I want to interview the half wit." 
Paddy said "Well now, that'll be me."

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  • 1 month later...

The old local  fisho was out in his boat all day and had never got a bite. Up comes this 40ft cruiser and 8 people drop their lines in. Suddenly there were 8 fish hooked. This went on over and over again with fish coming in everywhere. The old fisho up anchored and headed back to the ramp, followed by the big boat. One of the guys asked the old fisho if he had caught anything to which he sadly shook his head. He then asked what they were using for bait. Licorice was the reply. He looked puzzled and asked what they catch on licorice. Allsorts  was the reply

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

A plane crashes into the ocean miles from anywhere and there are only a few survivors, who huddle together in the water holding onto a tiny piece of wreckage. Two white pointers- father and son- spot the crash scene and cruise over towards the survivors who are struggling to stay together and afloat. Son shark(SS) says to Father shark(FS) "Look at all the people over there, lets race over and eat 'em!"  FS "Hang on son, we've got to do this the right way, first we swim over and circle them with just an inch of our dorsal fin out of the water"- they swim a couple of laps round the survivors. SS "Ok can we eat them now?" FS "Not yet, next we swim a few laps around them with all our dorsal fin out of the water" they swim a few laps. SS "Ok now can we get 'em?" FS "Not yet, next we swim a couple of laps with all our dorsal fin out and we open our mouths so they can see our teeth" they swim the laps baring their big teeth. SS "Ok, now eat 'em?" FS "Not yet! One last thing- this time we do the laps with dorsal fin out and mouths open and as we swim around we do some big practice bites in the water"- they do the laps, fins and teeth out, taking big practice bites around the terrified survivors. SS "Now can we eat 'em?" FS "Yes now son" - they race in and massacre the survivors and after finishing the last one SS "They were tasty dad- but I don't understand why we did all the circling and stuff first?" -FS "Well son, they're a bit like prawns, they taste heaps better when you get all that crap out of 'em first!"

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  • 2 months later...

Ed Zachery disease

 

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.She was afraid she might have something wrong with her.She decided to seek the advice of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. 
Upon entering the examination room,
Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all you crose.
The woman did as she was told. 
Now, get down and craw reery ,reery fass to odder side of room.
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said " OK. now craw reery, reery fass back to me.
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said Your probrem vely bad.
You haf Ed Zachery Disease. Worse case i ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates. " 
Worried, the woman asked anxiously.
" Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease ?." 
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and said, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse." 

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8 hours ago, Fab1 said:

Ed Zachery disease

 

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.She was afraid she might have something wrong with her.She decided to seek the advice of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. 
Upon entering the examination room,
Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all you crose.
The woman did as she was told. 
Now, get down and craw reery ,reery fass to odder side of room.
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said " OK. now craw reery, reery fass back to me.
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said Your probrem vely bad.
You haf Ed Zachery Disease. Worse case i ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates. " 
Worried, the woman asked anxiously.
" Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease ?." 
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and said, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse." 

Ed Zachery Fabian Ed Zachery!

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